About two weeks ago (a distance that feels approximately four years ago), I took a week off of social media. I knew it had been screwing with my brain for a while, and that a cleanse (of sorts) was necessary. I deleted every app off my phone with the exception of Snapchat, as I don't use that one very often. I had access to them on my computer, largely for purposes of communication if someone needed to reach me, but they weren't on my phone. I only looked at news sites once or twice a day, keeping on NPR notifications.
That was my most productive, kindest, healthiest week I've had in a very long time. I wrote for long stretches several days that week; I got work done even quicker than my workaholic brain normally does; I had better interactions with my family, my boyfriend, my friends; I felt genuinely more contented by the end of the week. I felt good about what I had done, good about myself and my seven-day accomplishments.
My god, has the stark difference when I added them back onto my phone hit me like a truck.
Social media can be a powerful tool if utilized the right way. It's a far-reaching form of communication: I've found multiple job offerings that way, have made wonderful connections, have stayed in contact with people I never would have otherwise, have created and cultivated art via Instagram or Facebook. More importantly, it's a great way to disperse information quickly. Movements gain momentum so much quicker now that we can see them with a tap of our finger. In that sense, A+.
But here's the thing: social media can be addictive and deprecating in the worst possible way. I find myself lethargic, scrolling through the endless fray of commentary and screaming and performance and anger and hurt. I feel things so very deeply, as an empath, as an artist, as an academic, as a human being; I absorb every single bit of that. And what I end up gaining from it isn't communication, at least not at the moment. Instead, what runs through my mind is
Coward
Idiot
Mortifying
What the hell
Grief
Mortality
Unaccomplished
Worthless
Lazy
Scared
Panic
Panic, panic, panic
It sends my panic disorder brain spiraling into cyclical thoughts that I've fought for years. I end up dissociating, exhausted. My ribs hurt. My appetite is gone. I can't focus on a damn thing, whether it be work, conversation, or things I typically love to do. I struggle to write. I struggle to read. I struggle to sing. I can't internalize anything educational or artistic or happy, because I'm too busy internalizing everyone else's emotions. I'm like Jasper from Twilight or something. Ugh on that comparison.
When I didn't have ready access to these platforms, I felt so much lighter. I could actually focus. I learned more about systemic racism, environmental justice, gender studies, and public health in that one week than I had been able to absorb for literal months. I grew in my own craft more in that week than I had in literal months. I had more time for myself and my loved ones in that week than I had in literal months.
The reason for that?
I could hear myself think. I could hear one voice at a time instead of this endless cacophony of cowardice, ignorance, anger, hatred, hurt, and egotism. When I could hear, I could understand or empathize or learn, whether that be from myself or from others. I didn't hear screams that tried to top one another; I heard emphatic, (com)passionate, educated people. I heard myself for the first time in a very long time.
Now, I don't know where I'm going with this. Frankly, I just needed to vent and throw it out to the universe. I don't know what you should gain from this. Hopefully something.
Also, disclaimer: I acknowledge my privilege in this. Being able to turn off is, indeed, a privilege. Many don't get to do that, whether it be on social media or in real life. I understand that. I recognize that. It's a privilege that I need to take, though, knowing my own mental health struggles and the work that I'm doing. I can help so much better this way.
So, those apps are going away again. Laptop only, my dudes.
I'll pop on every once in a while instead of completely ignoring it, because I do love to see what my friends are up to, find a wonderful new organization, and share my work and life in segments.
But god, man, I can't keep that up for very long. I've learned. Bye, apps.
Bye.
This post was not planned or artistic at all, but I hope you at least liked it. Love you all. Thank you for reading. <3
~Rhiannon~
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