April, my love, you were a lot. I say this from the other side, post-BFA completion: April, you were a frenzied mess when it came to scheduling, and the epitome of freneticism when it came to stressors from all sides of life, especially near your close. While academic assignments eased, anxieties from places of refreshed familiarity lurked in the background, waiting for the moment when my end-of-semester workaholic self paused long enough to allow them to sink their claws in. In those few moments, they became all-consuming; I will admit to several Spiral Days, as I have now dubbed them, days wherein the panic of graduation and facing a Real World™ still in the midst of reviving itself spiraled into feelings of worthlessness, isolation, and hopelessness.
Thankfully, previous years of therapy and doing the hard work have done me good, and, with the help of loved ones who have done some learning of their own, I’ve figured out how to surmount those. I wouldn’t have been able to say that a few years ago. April, you’ve made me acknowledge that much-prided accomplishment. There is still a long way to go in my mental and spiritual journeys, but I’ve certainly improved exponentially.
You signaled a lot of ends, April. The final collegiate vocal coaching. The final movement class. The final senior project. The final days of filming. The final master class (cheating a bit on this one: our final Master Class was May 5th). April was the end of an era. After five years of working my butt off through physical pain, mental strife, and existential questioning, five years of academia that kept us so busy we could scarcely breathe, five years of finding identity within a tight-knit family and a (paradoxically) behemoth of a small industry, it was just…done. We’re done. As someone who thrives on being busy, the past week has felt odd. It’s as if I’ve been tossed about the rapids for months, holding on in my small boat, to emerge onto dry land with an immediacy that steals my breath with a relieving sucker punch. Especially without the bookend of a physical graduation with all of us together, it’s surreal. Truly surreal. I still can’t find the proper verbiage. I’ve a feeling that will take a while.
(And never you fear, world: I’ve already been creating and hustling outside of school, but have been taking advantage of this brief reprieve. It’s been lovely to just breathe and read and catch up on some old shows for the past few days. I am not looking this gift horse in the mouth.)
April was not composed only of bittersweetness, though. She held excitement and joy. The little things resonated the most this past month: baking strawberry shortcake from scratch with my mom; sibling tackle-hugs when we’re all too tired to do anything else; cuddling up on the couch to watch some Netflix with my boyfriend; dipping chocolate biscotti in vanilla chai while watching some badass digital theatre; indulging in doughnuts with my grandparents after getting vaccinated (!!); scoring some wonderful books from an indie bookstore favorite; long country drives with my dad and our dog, blasting some old-school rock. In the middle of trying to navigate the looming future, finals and filming craziness, and social anxiety that rears its head at the worst possible times, the moments of calm with those I love gained even more of an impact.
Worth noting, as well, that there are some incredibly exciting artistic opportunities in the works right now, but I cannot talk of them yet. No use in jinxing anything. ;)
In short, before I start rambling, April was a time. It flew by. Easter feels as if it were years ago, not just last month. And right now, everything feels a touch surreal, like an ethereal remembrance instead of reality. The blurring of the coherent edges makes it so I can’t quite find words. Give me a bit, and I promise I will.
Thanks for everything, April. Onto the next adventure.
Rhiannon
Current Obsessions!
· Broadway Bullshit’s Spring Awakening episode
· The Neon Coven’s Oscar @ the CROWN
· The rewatching of Supernatural
· Green Leaf Tea Company’s Blue Strawberry iced tea
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