Office Thoughts: May 2020

Junior year has come to a close, and, with it, so has Zoom University (hopefully—let’s all cross our fingers, shall we?). It’s been a crazy last month and a half: never have I thought I’d have to finish out a semester of a performance degree online. Never have I thought I’d take ballet, jazz, and tap online, or perform Sheridan and Wilde online, or direct a 10-minute play online.

I mean, it worked as best it could. The fact that I feel like I gained anything out of this last month and a half is proof enough of that. Don’t ask me how it worked, though: I couldn’t tell you!

It’s just been a time of freneticism, fear, anxiety, oddities, and joy. It’s been that way for all of us, in this dystopian time we’re currently living in. I have a lot of thoughts spiriting through my head, musings to type and news to share and just a whole weird amalgam of things; they’ve been locked up there for a while, since the chaos of this time has meant very little time for me to digest or reflect.

In summary, welcome to whatever this is. Journal entry? Happy hour? Office hours? Some combination thereof? I dunno. Either way, grab your tea/coffee/mimosa, and come chat with me! :)

It’s been a weird time. I know I just said this, but it bears mentioning again. I’ve felt more things in a day than I ever thought I could these past few weeks. Frustration with technology, with feeling incompetent because of it. Sadness at being unable to be in NYC with my classmates at the end of this time; sadness for our graduating seniors, who don’t get a ceremony or an end-of-the-year showcase. Anger at the world. Fear of what’s to come. Hope in the goodness that comes out at these times. Joy at doing work that I care about. Happiness at being with the people I love most.

My brain already moves at a frantic pace, and it’s been struggling to keep all of this in line. I feel like a Nebraska weather forecast some days: freezing rain in the morning, sun by noon, a thunderstorm at three, flowers blooming at five, a tornado at seven. I’ve never felt more unsure or inefficient than I have during this end of the semester. I felt as if I never stopped working (I’m already a bit of workaholic at times, oops), and, still, nothing was getting done to the best of my abilities. What’s up, ZoomU.

At the same time, though, this horrible time has provided me with wonderful opportunities. I can wake up and read in the morning over my cup of tea, as opposed to having to strategize subway time. I’ve had time to write more, and have been happily typing away on my play, my novel, and whatever other things strike my fancy when not working. I have room to do yoga, instead of having to push my bed to the side in my small apartment every weekend morning. I have a bigger kitchen, and have been experimenting with new bakes. I feel fully creative; when inspiration strikes, I’m more ready now than I was a month ago.

What’s really been keeping me sane is being at home with my favorite people, my family and my boyfriend. I was always close to my siblings, my parents, and my grandparents growing up; even if we get on each other’s nerves sometimes, it’s been great being around their energy and hilarity, our inside jokes and goofing around. Replaying favorite video games with my brother, walking our much-spoiled-and-loved dog with my sister, reading books to my mom, derping around with my dad, and hanging out with my grandparents has been wonderful. And Jay and I are getting all this unexpected time together. Long distance is incredibly hard, even if it’s strengthened us at the end of the day. I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to spend the last few months with him, my best friend and my love. It’s been such a joy there. I’m very, very lucky, and I readily acknowledge that.

So, thank god for all of that. Love, friendship, creativity, and staying active have been my saving graces.

Speaking of opportunity, I have artistic work for the summer! I’ve taken on two incredible jobs: I’ve joined the team at The Theatre Times as an Editorial Assistant and freelance writer, and I’m interning for Notch Theatre Co., assisting them with several of their newest projects. I feel so passionately about both of their missions, and I’m honored to join them. Notch, especially, I could rave about for quite some time: they’ve only been around for three years, but have done some phenomenal work, bringing silenced voices and community engagement to the forefront. I’ve linked their site; I highly recommend checking it out. Or ask me about it! I’d love to talk about the work they do within the theatre community and social justice sphere, and how I help with it all! :)

(This isn’t to knock The Theatre Times, not at all. I’ve linked them, too- they focus on the globalization of theatre and increasing people’s awareness of art outside of the epicenters. Check out their articles! They can tell you what’s happening on any continent at any one time!)

I’ve being working with the two of them for a few weeks now, and I’m loving it. The work is important, fulfilling; it feels as if I’m both doing something creatively and for the betterment of the world.

That being said, I also want to be really open and vulnerable: I’m been struggling with imposter syndrome lately. It’s probably exacerbated by the current situation. I’ve been fighting insecurity, self-doubt, and anxiety more lately than I have in a while. Especially working with such badass, intelligent, talented people in school and in life, I find my brain wandering to, “Well, okay, why did they choose me?” or “I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough.” I’ve been to enough therapy and have dealt with this long enough that I know my coping mechanisms, but the feeling is very real and very strong. I don’t know if I have much more to say on that at this time, but I wanted to share. A lot of people feel that way at some point, and more have been saying it now. You’re not alone, if you are: I’m right there with you. And, believe me, we’re both good enough. I promise.

Mental stuff isn’t the only thing going on, of course, so I just want to share tidbits of things that I’ve been doing that make me happy! And I want to hear yours, too!

Jay and I have been working our way through films and TV series that have been on our To Watch list for a while. He’s almost gotten me all the way through the Star Wars franchise (one film left!): he grew up on and adores them, and I’d never seen them! I’ve been really, really enjoying the ride…although I did rant about the story structure at the end of The Last Jedi for a solid half hour to forty minutes. Don’t ask. Or do. ;) We’ve also made our way through Netflix’s The Witcher (I give it 4.5 out of 5 stars – SO GOOD) and most recently watched Booksmart (if you haven’t watched it, do it, as it is pure genius). We’re trying to figure out where to go next: Mrs. America? Shadowhunters? Do I introduce him to a good period drama? I don’t know. I’ll keep you updated.

We’ve also been playing through the Nancy Drew games, chronologically, when we can. They were a huge part of my childhood, and Jay gifted me a whole stack of them on Steam. He’s being a sweetheart and playing them with me; he’s enjoying them, too, though, I promise! We’re currently on The Secret of the Scarlet Hand, and have discovered it’s not our favorite one. Onto the next!

I’ve been reading a lot, too, most recently finishing Brittany Cavallaro’s The Case for Jamie, and about eighty pages away from completing The Devil in the Shape of a Woman. The former is the third in one of my favorite YA series, and was just as delightful and suspenseful as the others; the latter is a non-fiction that has been incredibly interesting, very well-researched! I’m moving onto Madame Bovary (yeah, I know, I’ve never read it!) and Scout’s Honor next.

Oh, and a new favorite play discovery: A Feminine Ending, by Sarah Treem. Creatively done, very poignant, witty as hell, and rather apropos for the times. So good.

(I’m not boring you with a whole premise/opinion of all of these, as I plan to do a standalone post for all the books I’ve read recently. I’ve only had to stop reading one! The rest have all been great!)

Baking-wise, I’ve most recently made an Earl Gray cake with vanilla buttercream (recipe here - I didn't use the lemon curd) and a raspberry marshmallow upside down cake (recipe in here), along with a tres leches cake my sister and I put together for Cinco de Mayo. Each of them has been divine, I must say. The first sunk a bit in the middle, though, so I’ll have to check our temperamental oven next time I try it. Delicious, regardless! :) Next on my list is either matcha milk bread or lemon poppyseed doughnuts, dependent upon if I can find yeast somewhere or not.

One more very random discovery of mine: the title of “dark academia” as an aesthetic and/or lifestyle. The majority of it fits me to a T, and I’ve had great fun exploring the community for that online and finding pleasing-to-look-at moodboards. :)

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling now. I’m hoping to sprinkle in some more office thoughts throughout the summer, or just some more unplanned posts in general. I hope you’re staying safe, staying sane, and knowing that you are loved and valued. Have a wonderful day! Thank you for reading!

~Rhiannon~